Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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