my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
