Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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