I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
