i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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