turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
