I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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