2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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