Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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