I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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