We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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