Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
