the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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