I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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