Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
