If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm both gender and math confused
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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