My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
