Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
