Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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