But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
