I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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