dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
