If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
