saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
