I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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