I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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