what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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