basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
