3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
