I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
