Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
