i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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