I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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