after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
