beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
