The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
