I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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