I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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