You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
