Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
