At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
