they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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