gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
