I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
