five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
