She is in my trunk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
