omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
