I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
