I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
