"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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