New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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