I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
