You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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