I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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