Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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