sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
