He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
